please check out this blog;**, each post tends to get me speechless;* http://damgedgoods.blogspot.com/2009/05/day-it-all-started.html

I was sitting with my colleague sipping my daily dose of caffeine, until he had entangled my attention. His fierce laugh had attracted my attention, a gasp of air had been stolen from my lungs. It was obvious that they were engrossed in a deep serious conversation. His friend was normal, not bad but not the one that you’d go back to look at, not the one that would leave you hanging from his looks. His eyes were pitched black, what was he wearing you ask? A dishdasha, but oh boy how did he look in his dishdasha.

I on the other hand, was discussing my wedding with my colleague, we were talking about my fiance, it was a traditional marriage, we have been engaged for over a year now and I loved him so much. I knew that we were compatible for each other and was sure that he was the one. He managed to grasp my attention once again, his distinct features made my tongue automatically went to lick my lips as they had instantly become dry, a lack of saliva of no account of my own.

All of a sudden, his attention was distracted as well. He looked distracted at me, checking me out from my head to toe. A sense of absolute familiarity and discomfort raced down my spine. His stare felt like a piercing sword thrusting through my heart. The way he looked at me, it was as if we were lovers, as if we had known each other from before, yet we just met. As if he was my soul mate. He was caught through mid sentence, lost in his own train of thoughts.

I knew that I was in love with my fiance, but what am I feeling? His energy was peculiar, it destroyed all what was in me. Who am I? Am I ready to get married? Why am I getting married? Is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Tons of thoughts ushered through my brain, but I knew better than to stay there gazing back at him. I picked up my belongings and hastened to the door.

I couldn’t help but recall the incident of my dear friend, she was in love with her husband for five years, she just got divorced from him for being abusive. Is it absurd of me to think that? What if he wasn’t my soul mate, what if someone lying out there is who’s meant for me, I mean I have only known my fiance for a year now. He is definitely in love with me, we’re building our future house right now. The voice in me, deep down, way deep down, kept telling me NO DON’T MARRY HIM! HE’S NOT THE ONE!

But I knew better, I could not call the wedding off.

All the people that I’m going to disappoint once I call it off, most of all, him.

I do love him, marriage is right for me. Our house will soon inshala, and we will live a happy life.

I shall not strive for this guy that I’ve just met, I shall not let his forceful nature drift me apart.

I imagined my life with him, what would it be? A sorry tale perhaps.

I would be the woman stuck at home while he’s hanging late at night in the dewaniya.

Raising our four children all on my own.

I might be dealing with neglect and abuse.

Depressing nights all on my own trying to handle my sick child and wandering around the hospitals all on my own.

Deceiving my self with the idea that maybe he’ll change one day, raising my hopes, that he might alter. Then again why would he? He’s just a common guy who doesn’t even have respect for his own self.

I knew my fiance, and I won’t let a moment of lust get the best of me, I am an intelligent, sensitive girl that deserves to be cared for. That guy might have caused me some euphoria that could be tasted on the tip of my tongue, my lips but it was only momentarily. It’s not something that would last but what I have with my fiance is the kind of love that never fades, as much as I am ashamed to say that now after my previous disclosure. From now on all what this man to me is the distant memory of a beautiful man seated in a cafe that literally blew me away with his sensual lips. It was a moment of weakness, but it did teach me a lot. My decision all seemed easy now.

Deem: 7abeebi, khan namlich after two days.

Munthir: I love you ya 3umri entay

Deem: I love you

Munthir: I have been longing for these words more than you could imagine, I promise to make you the happiest girl alive as long as I’m with you and you won’t regret any decision you make with me.

Deem: I want to see you

Munthir: Place, and expect me there within 5 minutes.

Here I am today, 5 years after the incident, sitting in the house that we have built, he never showed up. He hadn’t kept his promise. All I could do is cry over his memory, all good memories. I was jolly with him, no one could’ve denied that. I have lost the dearest, most precious thing to my heart, and to my displeasure he had passed away on his way, reluctant to meet me. I guess you never value a thing until you lose it. Till this day, the moment of betrayal I had terminates me. It makes me think twice about any movement or action with it’s consequences. I am happily married, from the outside at least. Deep down I could never be happy. His brother knew that and I knew that. His dad made the wrong decision putting himself in such position and my dad on the other half did his duty as a father and saw what was best for me, or so he thought. The agony in seeing his brother trying to make me happy and not remind me of him torments me, he gave up his love and yet here he is trying to make me happy as much as he could except the fact that I see Munthir in every move he does, and in every word he says.